It’s that time of year again, with the weather shifting from cold to colder, and the not so missed college freshman returning home for the holidays. However, this year is a little different since they’re going to be home until January! They left their new friends, new life, and new persona in their college town, and now their world has shattered due to returning home after a short three months away. I had the opportunity to speak to a handful of these young adults to see how they’re liking their stay.

Stephanie Smith has had a lot to say about her time at the University of Michigan. She claims to have become sort of a celebrity after gaining 200 followers on Instagram through her Kappa Kappa Kappa sisters. Immediately, when asking her about how her first semester was, she reminded me, “I cannot be seen with a high school student, let alone a junior, so please don’t be offended when you are not shown on my Instagram story.” This has been a common theme around the return. Stephanie’s entire friend group from high school has now convinced themselves that they are up and coming social media influencers, and refuse to speak to anyone who is not up to their status. And thankfully I got the opportunity to talk to them since I’m giving them publicity, not sure it’s the kind they wanted but you know what they say; any publicity is good publicity.

Mike Michaels, who went out of state, has come to believe everyone who lives in the state of Michigan is ‘uncultured’ and doesn’t have the right ‘vibes’. I spoke to Mike regularly, now my frequency is too low to even be in the same room as him — he’s my brother. You would think that after 16 years of living in the same house he would at least speak to me, I guess not. The one time he did was explaining the whole scale to me which is 6 stages away from him, and 2 from the lowest. He says being around me is draining. My best friend Bella’s sister just got back from college and is kind enough to try to ‘heighten’ her vibration. She is constantly trying to make her one with the universe or some crazy stuff like that.

For Joe Schmo, all of the dorms were closed so he had to learn to fend for himself in an apartment. The dining halls were also closed so Joe had to cook his meals. For Joe, it was not a problem since his meals consist of protein shakes with a side of more protein shakes. His biggest struggle was that there was no cleaning service since he was used to the maids and his parents doing everything for him. But after 18 years of living, he has developed these basic life skills and is proud to show them off. Now that he is home he forces his entire family to divulge in the food he would make for himself each day. Aside from his mastery in the consistency of protein shakes, he has also perfected the art of microwave mac cheese. He recently told his parents to cancel the cleaning lady because he has convinced himself that he is a jack of all trades; cooking, cleaning, the list could go on. I, however, spoke to his parents and they do not seem satisfied with the quality of their life at the moment. His father said, “I was so excited to have my son back from college, but I don’t know who I’m living with. I guess he developed some sort of alter-ego at school where he thinks he can do ANYTHING, I mean as parents we’re supposed to support our children right?” I kindly told Mr. Schmo that I was just there to get a statement and not to offer parenting counseling.

After speaking with all of these people, I was in the mood for tacos, so naturally, I went to Taco Bell. Low and behold it seems like the entire graduating class of 2020 had gathered inside the Taco Bell, as though it was their college town’s Mexican restaurant. Thankfully, I was able to avoid another encounter with their superiority complexes and used the drive-through.

Though it is nice to have them home, I know I speak for the entire community when I say that we are ready for them to go back to their fantasyland college towns.