*The following article is satire. 

Michigan’s 2026 Governor Ballot and Candidate Information

Gerald “Mr. Fluffy Jack” Watson

Qualifications: UCC (University of Clown College) graduate, Bachelor’s degree in juggling, executive manager of LaLa Lou’s Fun House.

Current Occupation: Top Juggling Clown at Mr. Weasels Circus Fun.

Why would you be a good Governor?: As a professional clown, I’ve seen the best and worst of our state firsthand. I have the licensed ability to make children laugh, smile, and even cry, which makes me more than capable of persuading legislators to favor what is best for Michigan.

Priorities: What are your top 3 priorities for the State of Michigan, and how would you address them?:
We need to put forth action into encouraging young minds to appreciate comedy. To do so, I will convince legislators to implement mandatory comedy improv classes in every middle and elementary school.
I will single-handedly put your hard-earned tax paying money towards improving the quality of every Circus in order to improve the utility of every citizen.
My team will make sure that every man, woman, and child has the opportunity to enter any and every state-run pie eating contest by ensuring low entry prices and highly funded advertising.
Recommendations: “Gerald is a fantastic performer and a great friend. As the CEO here at Mr. Weasel’s Circus Fun, I knew Gerald was going to be one of my best clowns the second he walked into our interview. Under Gerald Watson’s leadership, I just know that our state will be the best that it’s ever been,” -Billy Smith, CEO of Mr. Weasel’s Circus Fun

Slogan: Stop Clownin’ around– vote Watson!

Daniel Baller

Qualifications: Quarterback for the Buccaneer Bull’s, High-School Diploma

Current Occupation: Quarterback for the Buccaneer Bull’s

Why would you be a good Governor?: Using my experience from the field as a quarterback, I have the skills necessary to lead the country. I am able to hype up my teammates before big games, so I can definitely rile up an audience full of politicians.

Priorities: What are your top 3 priorities for the State of Michigan, and how would you address them?:
In order to ensure the drive of young athletes, I will make sure that every public school has a large supply of footballs.
I will make sure that every sports bar in the state of Michigan is legally obliged to televise Monday Night Football every Monday.
Funding for women’s sports in high schools will be minimized so that men’s high school football funding can be maximized in public schools.
Recommendations: “I’ve never met a man like Mr. Baller before. Prior to every big game, Daniel yells in the locker rooms as loud as humanly possible, to make all the boys real excited. He has great energy and is a great leader on the field. I am voting for baller!”
-Coach Stewart Cranky, head coach of the Buccaneer Bulls

Slogan: Balls for Baller

Aidon Mature

Qualifications: Norup International School Alumni, 3.6 GPA

Current Occupation: Student– Freshman at BHS

Why would you be a good Governor?: As a student myself, I know what students want. While some think I’m not old enough to take on the role of Governor, I assure you, I am very mature for my age. Plus, my mom says that I’m an “old soul.”

PRIORITIES: What are your top 3 priorities for the State of Michigan, and how would you address them?:
I want fellow students to be happy people. In order to do so, I will establish “No Homework Tuesday” in every public school.
To prevent addictions, I will work hard to ban coffee from the state of Michigan.
Lower legal vaping age to twelve years old.
Recommendations: “Aidon is rarely tardy to class and is a very friendly kid. Going from middle school to high school is usually a hard adjustment for most kids, but Aidon seems to be handling it well. He does, however, have a couple of missing assignments, but I’m sure he will be able to catch up,”
-Mrs. Backpack, English 9 teacher at BHS

Slogan: Learning today, leading tomorrow