*The following article is satire.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! December marks the start of a season full of giving, joy, and, most of all, Hallmark holiday movies. The studio has continuously released vivid and impactful pieces of film for the past 20 years, but their latest is one for the books. The 253rd seasonal holiday rom-com, A Very Merry Spirit Christmas Carol Tis the Jesus Christmas Wish Home for the Holidays™, is an instant classic filled with twists and turns that I can guarantee you have never seen before.
The movie follows Chrissy White–, a young, bustling businesswoman from New York City. While her friends attend holiday parties and exchange gifts, Chrissy detests the Christmas season. Ever since her mother died on Christmas Eve many years ago, Chrissy hasn’t been able to experience the joy of December, and therefore won’t allow anyone around her to, either. In one instance, a group of young orphan carolers come to her doorstep to sing for donations, and an enraged Chrissy punts them off the cement with her stilettos, filed down to create a dagger of a heel. Another time, she windowshops down main street, and upon seeing a litter of puppies with Christmas bows on their collars for sale, Chrissy whips out a hammer and smashes the window, before shrieking in a sickened rage. Nothing will change her mind on the holiday, she guarantees.
Chrissy’s world gets turned upside down when her boss threatens to fire her. “You have to stop writing buzzfeed quizzes, Chrissy! Get me something baby spanking fresh by Christmas, or you’re out of here!” yells the head editor of The New York Daily Times Journalism Company. “I want you to cover this year’s tree lighting in Merrysville. It’s supposed to showcase the world record tallest evergreen in America. If you refuse, don’t bother coming back after New Years..” A frazzled Chrissy runs to her hilariously sassy best friend, Cassandra, for advice. “Girl!” exclaims Cassandra between chugs of white wine, “You have to go! But not looking like that”. Taylor Swift’s “Bejeweled ” plays as a makeover montage ensues, with Chrissy trying on everything from Santa suits to ballgowns, and Cassandra hyping her up from the couch. Who knew Chrissy was so beautiful behind her glasses?
Once arriving at the nauseatingly charming Merrysville, Chrissy is disgusted to find that there’s no cellphone service. While climbing a streetlamp for a single bar Mission-Impossible style, she falls into the arms of a handsome, flannel wearing stranger. “Chris Nicholson?” she exclaims. “Well heavens to Betsy, if it ain’t the homecoming queen of Goldwell High, Chrissy White!” Chris grins through his blinding white bleached teeth. Turns out the two knew each other in highschool, but have lost touch over the years. They share a brief spark as he holds her, before she wacks him with her purse. “You know I don’t need saving!” cries Chrissy, before storming away. Chris finds her on his drive home an hour later, still walking aimlessly through the snow. “You sure you don’t need saving?” he remarks, before she reluctantly accepts a ride from him. He offers to show her around, but she refuses. The two are dripping with chemistry, but neither will admit it.
Later that week, Chrissy is failing to find interviewees as her demeanor is so incredibly cruel and grinchy. The giggling towns children started throwing snowballs at Chrissy, so she began pelting them back. “Snowball fight!” shouts the local baker, as a colorful swarm of weirdly delighted people join in. As she observes the joy of the town, Chrissy suddenly feels a dim flicker of warmth in her sad, dreary, villainous heart. “Is that a smile I see? ” chuckles Chris. “Yeah yeah, get over it”, she responds. “Hey, how about I take you to the Christmas Tree lighting tonight?” he says. “Like a date?” Chrissy blushes. “Something like that” he smirks. The elderly locals nearby whisper if Chris has finally found the one, especially after he was widowed years before, which is conveniently never brought up again.
That evening, the two take each other’s breath away after they both went through the film’s 2nd and 3rd respective makeover montages. “You clean up nice” flirts Chris. Chrissy bats her eyes, “You’re not so bad yourself”. A nearby townsperson vomits upon witnessing their obnoxious cuteness. While circling the tree beside Chris, Chrissy is dazzled by the twinkly decorations wrapped around Merrysville. The town counts down before lighting the 6-story-tall evergreen with glistening bulbs of light, while Chris and Chrissy simultaneously lean in for a kiss. Right before the two meet, Chrissy’s cell phone rings. “Don’t you dare answer that? Chris says while choking back tears. “I…I have to” she cries before dashing away to pick it up. She’s received news that she must get back to the office as soon as possible. She gives a longing gaze to Chris before mouthing “I’m sorry” and disappears into the night.
Later on the plane ride home, Chrissy looks down on the shimmering village, a single tear falling from her false-eyelashes eye. She notices the happy couples sitting around her, giggling into each other’s shoulders, sharing hot chocolates through candy cane straws. Her eyes widen as she realizes what she must do. “Stop this plane!” she screams. The manic woman gallops down the aisle, with flight attendants attempting to restrain her. She bites one’s hand before jumping through the plane’s window. The leading lady then speeds towards the snowed-in countryside beneath, determined to reunite with her love. However, it’s not snowflakes that break her fall, but Chris! “I told you you needed saving” he jokes before the two meet for a god-honoring kiss. Chris and Chrissy wink at the camera, a sparkle emerging from their eyes. Chrissy exclaims, “Well, I guess I know what Christmas is all about!” and the duo lead an 8-minute-long musical number that closes the film, before riding off into the sunset, the distant sounds of Santa’s laugh echoing above the horizon.