As winter descends into Spring, we come upon the month of March, also known as Women’s History Month. In these 31 days, we celebrate the brave women that have paved the way for female liberation, equality, and innovation. However, acknowledging only the do-gooders of history is no longer enough, as women are so much more than their accomplishments. This month, the young women of today are rebelling against the morally pure female role model and instead are embracing the menace within by committing random acts of violence.
“It started with small things,” says drug-store owner Jeffrey Scott. “Innocent delinquency- stealing pieces of candy, running around the store- It wasn’t until they threw tear gas through my window that I felt there was cause for concern.” This is only one instance of a chain of these kinds of actions, which have been increasingly occurring since March 1st. The teenagers destroyed almost everything in the store, with the only surviving section being the feminine hygiene aisle. “It’s kind of inspiring, though,” smiles Scott as he pridefully gazes upon the piles of debris, “You know.You never really see girls do this stuff. I’m so proud of this generation.”
This new wave of feminism is being executed all across the world, with miniature matriarchies wrecking havoc along the coasts of Australia, Egypt, and Russia. With Sylvia Plath books and Lana Del Rey CDs secured in their military-grade duffle bags, the women run on all fours across city streets. Every man that gets in the way of their business is immediately vaporized by high-tech weapons loaned to them from tech billionaire Jefflon Muzos. “Those weapons could potentially be the end of the human race if placed in the wrong hands, and some would say I made an incredibly irresponsible decision,” confesses Muzos, “But it’s women’s history month! What are you gonna do, you know?”. Shortly after writing a request to the women asking them to return the artillery, Muzons mysteriously disappeared without a trace. When the police were asked about potentially investigating the case as a homicidal kidnapping, their response was indifferent, stating, “Honestly…It’s none of our business. That sucks for him but, I mean, they don’t call it men’s history month.”
One especially bold statement took place in the highly surveillanced United States Penitentiary of Lompoc, where the country’s most dangerous prisoners serve. When 25-year-old Kate Wilson organized a prison break for all female inmates. Soon later female lead riots blazed all over the central coast of California, with a symphony of feminine rage tiktok edits crowding the for you page’s of every user within a 50 mile radius. Facing the threat of going to jail, Wilson took to social media to announce her thoughts. “So when a male lawyer exonerates a wrongly convicted prisoner, he’s a hero, but when a women masterminds a jail break of deadly female criminals for fun, she’s “on the FBI watchlist,’”’ she shared, “It’s a pathetic double standard.”

While some would say this method of feminism is cruel and unethical, women promise that there is no real threat. “God knows women’s history is irrelevant after March 30th, we’re just making the most of our month” says one radical. “So what if we’ve decreased the earth’s male population by 30%? God forbid women have hobbies!” It seems this way of thinking is the new standard when it comes to feminism, so just keep in mind that if you support women’s rights this month, you better support their wrongs (and that’s a threat).