*The following article is satire.
As we are approaching the -ber months, leaves start to fall and the Jewish New Year occurs. During this time, all Jewish moms are screaming at their families and scurrying to make sure their houses don’t have a speck of dust laying around. The guests will be arriving soon, including grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and your 4th cousin’s grandma 3 times removed. If you have cousins or siblings that go to college in state, congrats! You just gained 15 new guests. The family members from college decide to host everyone they have roomed with, plus every person in each of their lectures. Now, these kids are delightful to host for the holidays, but the chaos just gets worse. The younger siblings and parents spend hours making lots of extra food for the frat boyz to make them feel welcomed in a home that smells and looks better than the dirty underwear, rotten food, and papers all over their room at school. What follows is a story of one student’s experience of the college kids taking over the holidays.
I hear knocking on my door, I run to go get it so I can greet my family. I frantically unlock the door with open arms ready for a hug and say “Happy Rosh Hashanah!” When pulling the door open, I spot a face I don’t quite recognize. With my arms still open in confusion, we hold blank stares at each other long enough for him to say, “Happy Jewish New Year!” I reply, but he recognized the confusion in my voice. As I’m still staring at his ‘I heart hot moms shirt’, covered by a flannel, he says, “I’m your brother’s college roomate.” I wearily welcome him in expecting my brother and company to follow in any second.
I look out the window and there I see an uber pulling into my driveway with seven guys tumbling out of the minivan, one after another. They come rushing in like the Michigan football team when playing Ohio State. Next thing you know, I’m staring at the whole fraternity house of Alpha Epsilon Pi (AEPi). One after another they all introduce themselves and thank my parents, along with giving them an Edible Arrangements fruit basket, and if they are a dedicated Jew, apples and honey to celebrate the sweet New Year.
They all introduce themselves to each family member (to be respectful) but you can see their inner college frat boy quickly coming out. They are all itching to turn on the tv. On the rare occasion that Rosh Hashanah lands on a Sunday, due to the Jewish calendar, the boys are itching to watch the Lions blowout a team 54-0. The kids table gets up in a hurry to line up in order to collect their brisket. I watch Joshua Abraham Rosenberg, my second step cousin twice removed, waddled over with his iPad. The frat boys are oblivious to this cousin, they trample him, so they can get the non-fatty pieces of brisket first. They quickly hustle back to their seats talking about the party they threw last week that the cops shut down, they all ended up in court the next day. They were teaching Joshua Abraham young.
The night was winding down, and the college kids needed to get back for their “studying”, though everyone knew that they were really heading to the famous fraternity of AEPi, known for their banger parties on the Jewish New year. The boys became extra kind from all the sweet honey and apples they ingested this evening. They went around hugging every family member, especially the hosts. My Jewish parents were excited to meet my brother’s friends, and of course told them they were welcome back anytime, as long as they didn’t turn our house into a frat.
