*The following article is satire
As the NFL season kicks off, Berkley High students are risking their souls – and their Fantasy Football rankings – in a quest for betting glory. (often competing against their friends). In some cases, the participant whose players perform the worst during the season is forced to do a punishment that was predetermined by their group. As most students know, senior Chad Jockington and his group of friends are well known for their awesome, annual Fantasy Football punishments. This year, they are upping the stakes in honor of a last hooray before going to college.
I got the opportunity to speak with senior Chad Jockington himself to hear about his plan for this year’s punishment.
“Oh, bro, It’s going to be our most epic one yet bro,” Jockington says with enthusiasm. “I’ve been planning this punishment since fricking last year!” Jockington explains that while researching, he came across “this old-looking book” titled Book of Dark Rituals from Hell by “some medieval dude named Count Vladtra Dracula.” In this book, he found an in-depth ritual that turns the subject into a vampire for all of eternity. “It looks like some pretty gnarly stuff,” Jockington said with a chuckle. “Right when I saw the diagrams, I knew this would be the perfect punishment. As long as you are good at betting, the risk of being a vampire is like not even a risk. I’m not even a little worried.”
When asking Jockington about previous punishments, he stated that “our last year’s punishment was lowkey super dope. We traveled all the way to Atlanta to get this legit strain of some cracked disease called ‘EP3F: CH₂O’ and injected it into my buddy Joe Masculinman, and he highkey transformed into a zombie.” I questioned Jockington about Masculinman’s current state. In response, he claimed that “he’s doing alright. We just had to lock him up in the abandoned Embassy Suite near I-696 after he tried biting my bro Rad Nonchalantberg. He’s just been chilling in there since. We throw him some pieces of meat every couple of weeks so our bro doesn’t like starve or anything”.
While Jockington’s plans are interesting enough, I wanted to find out more about the common attraction to online sports betting in general. I spoke with junior Brad Betini about his love for sports betting.
When asking Betini about his experience with online betting, he says that it has been his main source of income for the past two years. Though he had to lie about his age when making an account, he claims that he is “better than most real adults that [he] sees on the app.” While it hasn’t been explicitly said, Betini gets the feeling that his “dad is more proud” of him because of his “awesome betting skills.” Betini’s friends even sometimes refer to him as the “Master God of all betting,” sacrificing their lunch leftovers to him in hopes that the betting gods will one day grant them his talent. When responding to how he feels about losing $450 last month in a bet on Georgia vs. Alabama, he says that “Alabama cheated” and that this loss “does not reflect [his] betting skills.” Betini intends to continue placing bets online with the hope of soon becoming a millionaire.
As the season continues and the drafted players’ performances are added up, a loser will soon be determined. Berkley students are all waiting in anticipation until then to find out which of Jockington’s friends will soon be a vampire.
