Pandemic Displays of Affection

*The following article is satire.

March 2021: A couple is spotted kissing in the hallways before school, by fourth hour hand holding and pecks on the cheek were more prevalent than you’ve ever seen. A day later, couple 0 was detected. The excessive PDA spreads to couples far and wide. Virus spread within the hallways is more extreme than ever. PDA is oozing in every single corridor. Soon enough the The Center For PDA Control (CPDAC) deems the breakout a pandemic. The pandemic that is PDA. Us singles of Berkley High wonder what we can do to protect ourselves from the virus. Must we wear masks over our eyes to shield us from the blinding pain of witnessing a makeout session in the hallways? Must singles resort to wiping their eyes with hand sanitizer with the goal that they can blind themselves from the PDA with their tears? Or spraying themselves with lysol to numb the pain and end the suffering?

CPDAC published a statement as students hunt eagerly to find means to protect themselves. Lenny Antekiss, the director of the CPDAC, tells singles what they can do to protect themselves during the crisis. “I strongly recommend singles everywhere keep six feet of distance between every couple you encounter. If a couple is seen you must sprint away, knocking down anyone in your path if necessary.”

Your peers urge, in fact BEG everyone to help stop these destructive displays of affection. All we want is to walk to fifth hour in peace.

The hopeless romantics are most vulnerable to the virus, yet are skeptical about if the virus even exists. Love obsessed PDA denier Val Entine, a freshman at Berkley High, was asked about her thoughts on the pandemic. Val stated, “The media is blowing the PDA pandemic way out of proportion! I don’t know what everyone is so worried about! It’s just a little hug or kiss here and there. It’s like we are living in a Hallmark movie! Love is in the air!” Entine wanted to go on, but in fear she was infected I promptly had to end the interview and spray her down with lysol.

With the rise in PDA rates, scientists and specialists are racing to find a cure. There is only so much that eye coverings and distancing can do to keep couples and singles alike safe from this virus. Hopefully, with the coming weeks there will be a PDA vaccine available, starting with distribution to hopeless romantics in order to stop the spread from possible sources.

Chuck Luvless has been directly affected by this epidemic. “This is real. I lost my best friend to PDA,” said Luvless. “We used to talk about fantasy football, but now I can’t even look at him the same after seeing him kiss his girlfriend over their masks.”