*The following article is a satire

Recently, international popstar Taylor Swift announced The Eras Tour, smashing ticket sale records within the first day of the presale. The tour will surround not only Taylor’s most recent album, “Midnights”, but songs from her previous “eras”. Her last announced tour was Loverfest, which was canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic, making this new tour the first in four years. With high demand and websites crashing, the fight for tickets has been a bloodbath for vicious Swifties, leaving many left behind and devastated. I met with various Swifties to discuss their experience with the upcoming tour.

Emma Miller (@TSlvr13 on Twitter) is a self-diagnosed Swift superfan. She’s normally found jamming happily to the star’s music down her school’s hallways, but for the past three days, the 15-year-old hasn’t been her usual self. Emma has spent the majority of her week under the covers of her duvet (printed with Taylor’s face on it) in an almost comatose state, eating exclusively pints of Ben and Jerry’s chocolate caramel cookie dough ice cream. “Taylor loves chocolate caramel,” mumbles Emma, in between shaky spoonfuls. Ever since receiving her access code on Tuesday, the fan has had her heart set on pit tickets, much to the dismay of her bank account. As of now, she has yet to leave the queue on Ticketmaster and plans to buy public sale tickets, if all else fails. “I can make back the $25,000, but I will only see The Eras Tour once!” she screams when asked why her college savings account was cleared. She claims she’d “kill a man” for a chance to see the popstar, but eases that that wouldn’t be necessary, as she believes Swift specifically wants her there. “One time Taylor Nation’s twitter liked my mutual’s reply, so basically Taylor and I are tight.”

Better luck was found with Madison Jones, a peer of Miller’s who was able to score 4 front loge seats within the first hour of being on the waiting list. “You know it’s crazy, people told me it’d be impossible to get these tickets! Guess you could say I’m just a really deserving fan”, comments Madison on her. Madison started to listen to Swift again this year after her friends converted to swiftie-hood, “They kept referring to her as blondie? I thought that was a band”. The 17 year old however, was not just indifferent to Taylor before 2022. In fact, Jones ran an active hate page for the musician from 2016-2017 following The Kimye Incident (AKA Swiftgate™). There, she expressed her frustrations with the singer’s dating history and music. “Oh… I don’t recall that” she stuttered when asked about the account. “It’s not like that anymore though! For example, I love that one sweater song from her album Evermore!”

Naomi Garcia is a postgraduate from U-M, as well as an “elder” Swiftie. “Wait, I’m called an elder Swiftie? I’m 27.” Garcia has casually followed Swift for the past ten years, attending several previous shows during Taylor’s country days, such as The Speak Now and Fearless Tour. The Era’s Tour piqued her interest because of Swift’s promise to perform her older, more nostalgic work, which Naomi admits to favor, “I definitely respect her moxie, but there’s just something about her new music that I don’t love.” After stating her hot take on twitter in a tweet that read “Old Taylor>New Taylor ”, Garcia was doxxed and threatened by hundreds of fans. For the next few weeks she began receiving hate mail spanning from nasty letters to live snakes (which she appreciates is at least on brand). Following that, she lost her part time job as a barista due to the frequent, violent, Swiftie riots surrounding her that occurred within the cafe. “It was either firing Naomi or hiring the national guard, ” confesses her Starbuck’s manager. Despite all of this, Gracia was still able to snatch a pair of nosebleeds due to a discount given to previous concert goers. While excited to see what the tour offers, Naomi admits “I am a little scared to be seen at the show. I’m pretty sure I’m Swiffer enemy number 2 now, next to Scooter Braun”.

Three days after these meetings ticketmaster sent out a statement announcing that public sale for The Era’s Tour tickets would be canceled indefinitely due to high demand, leaving the presale tickets bought by Swifties the only ones left. Since, mass hysteria has broken out as heartbroken teens run the streets in outrage, with green thirteens covering their arms and faces. Unrelated, both Madison Jones and Naomi Garcia have been reported missing as of three days ago. We asked Emma Miller for a final comment, regarding her sudden acquisition of 7 new tickets, to which she responded in between maniacal laughter “Karma is real”.