*The following article is satire
What’s the move? Do you pick the biggest gift, the smallest gift, the prettiest one, or the one that looks really sketchy? Do good things really come in small packages or is bigger better?
All these questions are answered in what some experts are already calling the “Biggest gift exchange disaster in history,” The annual Nelson Family gift exchange happens every year on Thanksgiving day. There is chaos and poorly labeled gifts on the table, everyone is hungry and typically there is no food in sight.
As always, there is a set budget for gifts, and this year it is $50. Inevitably, this will be misinterpreted and there will be some very questionable gifts. Some people may remember, but last year Aunt Linda went over the budget by $150 and made everyone else look bad with their cheap gifts, and cousin Mary brought what looked like a homemade candle, definitely not worth $50. I guess it’s the thought that counts. They draw numbers to choose who picks first; however, the last number is always best because you can steal what others have already picked. Hopefully, this year everybody will stay in line and play by the rules.
As the family starts to shuffle into the living room and all of the gifts are laid out, tensions start to rise. There are some obvious good-looking choices on the table, like the big box which looks like it can hold anything from a purse to a new pair of gym shoes. Other gifts are being held in a gift bag reused from Halloween.
Now the gift exchange has kicked off, Uncle Bill starts off hot, receiving golf balls and a new hat. Down the line, cousin Tommy stuns the crowd by picking a pair of Lions tickets, well over the $50 budget. He is hiding them under his shirt hoping no one makes a steal. Of course, Grandma manages to pick a beard oil kit, which, if not stolen, will stay in the house for decades.
As the numbers dwindle, little cousin Stevie picks last. He eyes a remote-control car then makes a hard left to cousin Tommy. There is fear in the air along with the stench of Grandpa Mike’s farts, which he keeps blaming on the dog. The Lions tickets are clutched in his sweaty palms when little Stevie holds out his hands and asks for the tickets. A fight breaks out between cousin Tommy and little Stevie’s dad, Big Stevie. Big Stevie is not holding back against cousin Tommy. Pumpkin pie flies through the air along with a can of whipped cream that is sprayed on cousin Tommy, as he whips peanut M&M’s at Big Stevie. Eventually Grandma has to get up off the couch and wobble over on her cane to give everyone a timeout. She settles all the gifts, keeping the Lions tickets for herself, concluding what will go down in history as the most epic Nelson family gift exchange in history, until next year.
