Papa’s Pizza Closes Its Doors: All is Lost


Former Berkley cafeteria (north campus), Papa’s Pizza

Note* – The following article is satire.

Since 2013, Papa’s Pizza has been serving the students of Berkley High, but this year, that all changed as Papa’s went out of business. The students of Berkley high school have flocked to Papa’s pizza for the past 9 years. While some may consider Papa’s your average pizza joint, to the Berkley students, it is so much more. Polls on the Bear Pack twitter account show that only 68% of students know the fight song, but 92% of students know the Papa’s slogan; “When it comes to great food and quality service, Papa’s does it best.” Let me tell you, their slogan definitely lived up to their claims. Those who ate from Papa’s can be considered “a different breed.” With the fumes of unknown substances in the air, those who even dare to enter the building are risking the state of their lungs, but the delicious food that one could procure made it worth the risk.
As a senior, the closing of Papa’s takes a piece of my heart with it. With the sad news, I have decided to investigate what the heartbroken students of Berkley High will do, only to uncover the traitors we walk the halls with that are happy about the closing. I know, it’s disheartening. I have set out to expose the students’ opinion on Papa’s; usually I wouldn’t care, but this is a serious matter.
In order to respectfully honor Papa’s, of course I had to interview one of their greatest customers. A dear friend of mine, Gretta Parmesan, has never been seen walking into school after lunch without a Paparoni bread, Papa’s classic cheese bread with pepperoni. Ever since freshman year, people would pay her $10 for a single piece. Now, I understand the cheese bread is good, but the rave is ridiculous. I remember people offered to do her homework for a month straight in agreement to receive a piece of cheese bread every day. Gretta has spent over $6,000 on Papa’s. I have always wondered where she gets her money.
Fellow senior, John Dough likes to leave with his friends to go home and eat frozen organic Trader Joes pizza. This is because his mom won’t allow him to eat Papas because as many don’t know, it isn’t organic. Dough tried fighting with his mom, so she went to Papas and demanded she see an ingredient list, talk about a Karen. His mom sets an alarm for 12:30 to put the pizza in the oven, so by the time the boys make it from Money Matters, then to their Ford Escape, and wait at the Mortenson stop sign to turn onto 11-mile, it would be ready.
Freshman students have not been allowed to leave campus for lunch in previous years, which was an extremely strict rule enforced by every staff member at Berkley High. Someone once spotted Kris chasing a group of freshmen down Sunnyknoll during lunch. There is even word of a freshman moving here after hearing about the luxurious cuisine of the Papa’s Pizza specifically located on Catalpa and Coolidge. I overheard her and her friends talking about it in the science bathroom, some people call it the Jewel room. Apparently there are rare crystals on the other side of the wall, and people try to get them, which probably explains why there are always 7 pairs of feet in the stall.
Another Papa’s traitor, who is a foreign exchange student from Italy, is happy about the closing of Papas. He claims it will never be as good as his dear great grandma’s homemade wood fired pizza. To prove his claim, he bought a large pizza and threw it on the ground in front of the workers and half the freshman class that was waiting for their cheese bread. His motive for the action is still unknown, but someone google translated what he screamed in Italian as he threw the pizza, which translated to, “This pizza is so bad, my late Italian uncle is crying in his grave.”
Many know and remember Berkley alumni, Jayton Doslyn. Doslyn was lucky enough to receive the job of being Papa’s delivery boy. After a tough interview process, which many weren’t able to pass, Doslyn got the job. They made him eat an entire Paparoni bread with no ranch, and until this day, everyone is shocked he was able to do it. Doslyn has been lost since the closing of Papa’s, but still drives around with the Papa’s car topper on his roof in remembrance.
In all seriousness, Papa’s Pizza has been the home of many great memories and mistakes. No matter how many haters were against Papa’s, the love for the cheese bread made in that overcrowded building will never end. For some this was hard, and for some this was easy. For the Papa’s haters, aka, those who go to Little Caesars, the closing of Papa’s is the worst news since Little Caesars started charging for marinara sauce with their crazy bread. On the other hand, Papa’s fanatics were seen banging on the door begging for cheese bread. The future of what the students at Berkley will do for lunch is unknown, and to be honest, it doesn’t concern me. The head of Papa’s pizza corporation was fed up with the students of Berkley, how relatable. Papa’s holds a special place in all of the Berkley students’ hearts, and if you haven’t tried it, you’ve lost your chance.